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| Hospital Snuggles |
Despite feeding R every two hours she was steadily losing weight and boarder-line jaundice. My milk still hadn't come in so I ordered my pump and sent my mom and husband to the store to get a hand pump to hopefully encourage my milk to come in. After a struggle of nursing and pumping for a few weeks I met with a lactation consultant. We discovered that after 30 minutes of a great latch and what seemed like a great nursing session she was only getting 1/2 oz of breast milk (I was producing more than that she just couldn't get it out). Around this same time I noticed that my feelings and emotions towards breastfeeding had started changing. Instead of feeling like I was bonding I would feel dread. I would try to nurse R and get this horrible feeling of grief, depression, and guilt. It was overwhelming. I would have to hand R off to daddy and go and hide in the other room until it passed. I thought it was the disappointment of breastfeeding. At this point I decided that I would exclusively pump.
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| Chug it! |
But the feeling continued. Every time I hooked up to my pump I would get the terrible feeling again. It happened when I showered, when she would cry, and spontaneously throughout the day. It would hit me like a ton of bricks, last for 30 seconds- 2 minutes, and then be gone. That doesn't sound like that big of deal but when its happening multiple times a day it really starts to take a toll. I started tracking the feelings and realized it happened whenever my milk came in. I tried talking about it with my husband but it was hard to explain myself. I thought it was PPD. One day as I sat hooked up to my pump I googled "I feel homesick every time my milk comes in". I found this website https://www.d-mer.org/. It was called disphoric milk ejection reflex. I could not believe what I was reading. For the first time I had a name for what I was feeling and an explanation for why it was happening.
Did it help? Maybe a little. It made me feel less crazy. And I could now explain what I was feeling to my family and friends. I tried talking to my doctor and since I was already struggling with my milk supply we decided against and anxiety or depression meds. R was 4 weeks and it was my goal to get her to 6 months. I was pumping 10 times a day at this point. I could get about 1-2 oz when I pumped. I tried power pumping and fenugreek and oatmeal and 100 other things I read online that might help. Eventually I decided to decrease my pumping to 8 times a day and then 5 times a day. I maintained this for 2 months. Then from 5-6 months I pumped only 2x a day. I was still only pumping 1-2 oz at a time so we were using formula and supplementing with breast milk ;) Pumping 2 x a day was more tolerable because by then my milk wouldn't spontaneously come in.
When I finally stopped pumping at 6 months I thought I would be sad. But packing up my pump felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt transformed over night. I was a better mom, a better wife, and a better me. I wasn't strapped to a pump and I wasn't experiencing this dopamine drop. I was so much more stable and that was a relief for everyone involved.
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| I stopped pumping the day before we went on a a trip to visit family. It was nice not to bring my pump! |
So whats my point in sharing all this? First parenthood is H.A.R.D. And I am constantly amazed with how much harder we make it on ourselves. My baby would have been fine if I stopped pumping months before I did. I had a strong support system and they all disagreed with the torture I was putting myself through. So why did I do it? Because I felt like a bad mom. No one was shaming me. No one was pressuring me. I had tuned out the rest of the world months back. It was all me! So if you find yourself in a similar position... first remember this: you are a good momma. Second, sit back and think about why you are doing what you are doing and the impact it has on your life and on your family.
For me personally I was worried about SIDS. I knew that for whatever reason breastfeeding reduced the risk of SIDS. I wanted to protect her. But I was sleep deprived, unhappy, and unnecessarily hormonal. I didn't think this mattered as long as she got her 1-2 oz of breast milk a day. When I told my doctor this she actually laughed. She explained to me all the factors that go into reducing the risk of SIDS and gave me the best pep talk about cutting myself some slack. That's when I realized that I was really doing all of this as a sense of control. Its a flaw in my personality that can be traced back to my childhood but I need control and order in my life and I can become a little cray because of it. SIDS seemed like a scary and unpredictable thing that was always in the back of mind and so because of it I forced control and predictability in every other aspect of the situation. I realized that she would actually be better off with a well rested, happy, stable momma than with all the breast milk in the world. So we said bye-bye to the pump.
I've been thinking about my experience for a few weeks now and it's one of the reasons I've decided to finally write it down. We are currently expecting our second kiddo and the thought of breastfeeding is terrifying. Postpartum emotions and hormones are real. And lets be honest... they can overpower your more logical thinking. I don't know what feeding this baby will look like. I do know I want to try breastfeeding again because I do know it's important. I want to write this all down so I can remind myself that all though breastfeeding is important, maybe it's not the MOST important thing. I can't tell you what is the most important thing because I think that differs from parent to parent but for me I want a happy, fed baby and I wouldn't mind being happy myself. So dear future hormonal, sleep deprived, overwhelmed self... cut yourself some slack!
1/28/18- Update: We are almost 2 weeks in with baby#2. Breastfeeding at the hospital seemed to be going well. He would latch for 30 minutes every couple hours but he was losing weight too fast. He wasn't having any wet or dirty diapers. We "experimented" and gave him milk using a doppler and within an hour he had a wet diaper. I noticed I only heard him swallow 2-3 times during a 20 min feeding. He started showing signs of frustration (Like Rae did) with latching and sucking for a few seconds and pulling off and fussing. So we are back to pumping and bottles. At first I was disappointed because I really wanted breastfeeding to work. But honestly I'm pro at pumping. I've found a way to make it work with our schedule and its all I really know. I don't love all the bottle and pump-parts piled up to be washed but oh well. I am experiencing D-MER again but its not as bad this time. I think because I was expecting it so I wasn't surprised. Exclusively pumping is hard. Its time consuming and there are lots of things to wash. To save my sanity I set up some ground rules:
1. I only pump for 10 min. I used to pump for up to 45 min trying to get every last drop out and to try increase my supply. Ain't nobody got time for that. ESPECIALLY with a toddler and a newborn. I started using these: https://www.lansinoh.com/lansinohr-therapearlr-3-in-1-breast-therapy and they are amazing. My husband got them for me as my milk came in and I was engorged but then I read they can help with your milk let down with pumping. It easily shaves off a couple minutes off my pumping time and I also pump a little bit more when I use them. They are awesome to help with clogged ducts which is normal with pumping. So if you find yourself pumping... especially exclusively pumping then I highly recommend them!
2. I'm not trying to increase my milk supply. With Rae I went a little crazy about this and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety and lots and lots of feelings of disappointment and defeat. So I decided this time around I'm not even going to worry about it. I try not to even look at exactly how much I pump or I try to just be elated with the little that I get. So far I'm able to keep up with him and have a little left over at the end of the day so we are feeling pretty good.
3. Im not pumping around the clock. This is kinda a big no-no for exclusively pumping- especially in the early days when your supply is getting established. With Rae I pumped every 2.5 hours around the clock. Thats 10 times a day/night. I would pump for 20-30 min and sometimes longer. That is a long time to be strapped to a pump and don't forget... you still have to actually feed that baby the milk. So add another 20-30 min. Even though I felt like all I did was feed my baby it was okay because it was just the two of us so who cares if we just watched Netflix and pumped all day. But there is no way my spunky toddler would put up with me pumping all day. We would all lose our minds. So I pump once at night, before R wakes up, at the beginning of R's nap and before I get her up from the nap, once after dinner when dad is home, and once before bed. 6 times a day is way more manageable. I would like to eventually drop the night time pumping once he is sleeping through the night and then I think this is a schedule I could easily maintain.
With R we had a mini fridge in our room. It was awesome because I would store my pump parts (in between washings) and milk in there. Since my pump was set up in our room it was really nice to have everything in one place. We don't have the space for it this time so I have to run CLEAR downstairs every time but I think I'll live haha. I also give my babies the milk cold. It makes it so nice especially if you are pumping a few feedings ahead of them (which I would recommend). Then you aren't trying to heat up a bottle every feeding. It also comes in handy for if you eventually switch to formula. Then you aren't trying to heat the bottle to the perfect temperature that your little one demands haha. This worked great with R and so far is going great for C.
1/28/18- Update: We are almost 2 weeks in with baby#2. Breastfeeding at the hospital seemed to be going well. He would latch for 30 minutes every couple hours but he was losing weight too fast. He wasn't having any wet or dirty diapers. We "experimented" and gave him milk using a doppler and within an hour he had a wet diaper. I noticed I only heard him swallow 2-3 times during a 20 min feeding. He started showing signs of frustration (Like Rae did) with latching and sucking for a few seconds and pulling off and fussing. So we are back to pumping and bottles. At first I was disappointed because I really wanted breastfeeding to work. But honestly I'm pro at pumping. I've found a way to make it work with our schedule and its all I really know. I don't love all the bottle and pump-parts piled up to be washed but oh well. I am experiencing D-MER again but its not as bad this time. I think because I was expecting it so I wasn't surprised. Exclusively pumping is hard. Its time consuming and there are lots of things to wash. To save my sanity I set up some ground rules:
1. I only pump for 10 min. I used to pump for up to 45 min trying to get every last drop out and to try increase my supply. Ain't nobody got time for that. ESPECIALLY with a toddler and a newborn. I started using these: https://www.lansinoh.com/lansinohr-therapearlr-3-in-1-breast-therapy and they are amazing. My husband got them for me as my milk came in and I was engorged but then I read they can help with your milk let down with pumping. It easily shaves off a couple minutes off my pumping time and I also pump a little bit more when I use them. They are awesome to help with clogged ducts which is normal with pumping. So if you find yourself pumping... especially exclusively pumping then I highly recommend them!
2. I'm not trying to increase my milk supply. With Rae I went a little crazy about this and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety and lots and lots of feelings of disappointment and defeat. So I decided this time around I'm not even going to worry about it. I try not to even look at exactly how much I pump or I try to just be elated with the little that I get. So far I'm able to keep up with him and have a little left over at the end of the day so we are feeling pretty good.
3. Im not pumping around the clock. This is kinda a big no-no for exclusively pumping- especially in the early days when your supply is getting established. With Rae I pumped every 2.5 hours around the clock. Thats 10 times a day/night. I would pump for 20-30 min and sometimes longer. That is a long time to be strapped to a pump and don't forget... you still have to actually feed that baby the milk. So add another 20-30 min. Even though I felt like all I did was feed my baby it was okay because it was just the two of us so who cares if we just watched Netflix and pumped all day. But there is no way my spunky toddler would put up with me pumping all day. We would all lose our minds. So I pump once at night, before R wakes up, at the beginning of R's nap and before I get her up from the nap, once after dinner when dad is home, and once before bed. 6 times a day is way more manageable. I would like to eventually drop the night time pumping once he is sleeping through the night and then I think this is a schedule I could easily maintain.
With R we had a mini fridge in our room. It was awesome because I would store my pump parts (in between washings) and milk in there. Since my pump was set up in our room it was really nice to have everything in one place. We don't have the space for it this time so I have to run CLEAR downstairs every time but I think I'll live haha. I also give my babies the milk cold. It makes it so nice especially if you are pumping a few feedings ahead of them (which I would recommend). Then you aren't trying to heat up a bottle every feeding. It also comes in handy for if you eventually switch to formula. Then you aren't trying to heat the bottle to the perfect temperature that your little one demands haha. This worked great with R and so far is going great for C.
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