Here we are a year later anxiously waiting for our beautiful daughter to grace us with her presence.
As I reflect back on the past year I am filled with so many emotions. I am writing this down mostly for me- because I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned and the impressions I have had. I also hope someone can benefit from my experiences as they reflect on their own trials.
We moved to Nebraska a month after we found out we lost the baby. The move was difficult. I was still healing emotionally and physically. It meant I had to switch doctors. I left my friends and family. We had a new schedule. But with it came so many tender mercies. I've found the more I've open up about our experiences, the more support and strength I have received. I have met some amazing friends here who have taught me so much and strengthened my testimony.
Another place that I have found comfort is at the Omaha Winter Quarters temple/cemetery. There is a beautiful bronze statue called "Tragedy at Winter Quarters".
This statue shows a pioneer husband and wife burying their child and is a tribute to the trials the pioneers faced. There is so much symbolism in the statue. From the backside of the statue there is a vine of thorns growing up from the ground and pulling on the cloak wrapped around the shoulders of husband and wife. This represents the adversary. The adversary doesn't want us to be happy. I find his power to be especially strong while going through trials. The cloak represents the Atonement and the love of God. This power gives us comfort and strength as we endure through life's ups and downs. I found many times in the last year when I would feel both the strength of the adversary pulling me down and the love and comfort of the Atonement holding me up. Sometimes the negative power of the adversary would be so strong that I would forget about the strength and love coming from my Heavenly Father- but it was always there. This is where I found I always had a choice. I could allow Satan to tear me down or I could allow the Savior to pull me up. I didn't always choose the Savior and there were many many dark days but I know I was never alone. I have found the healing begins when we choose the Savior.
In the cemetery the statue faces the temple. In the trail center the statue faces a picture of the Savior. I have found that the ONLY way to get through hardship is to have an eternal perspective and this is found through the Savior and through the blessings of the temple. I am so grateful for the knowledge of forever families and the plan of happiness. It gives me the strength to go on. This is the area where my testimony has probably grown the most. I find it easier to remember and reflect on my purpose here on this earth and what it means in my day to day life.
Another important lesson that I have learned is that these moments in my life do not define me. I can learn and grow from these experiences but I am so much more to me than the circumstances that I find myself in. In the midst of it all I felt as though I would forever be that girl who miscarried 4 times. I felt as though my life would revolve around it. Sometimes it was hard not to focus on my circumstances and feel sorry for myself. I am so grateful for those moments in my life where I allowed myself to be Whitney and not that miscarriage girl. I found a lot of pride in my job, cuddling my puppy, serving others, and in my adventures with Bradyn. If I could give one piece of advice to someone going through an all-consuming-trial, it would be to find moments in your day to be you. Some day you will look back and be grateful that you did.
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