Happy Birthday Rae-Rae

I was blessed with a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Because of the previous miscarriages I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the bad news. This feeling was definitely amplified starting around 37 weeks. I was measuring small and noticed a decrease in fetal movements. We did an ultrasound which showed low amniotic fluid, my placenta was pretty calcified, and Raelyn was measuring 2 weeks behind. She passed all the non-stress tests and the "practice-breathing" tests so they couldn't induce me before 39 weeks. Those two weeks were so stressful. I'm not really sure how we even made it through. Lots and lots of prayers and tears!

When September 12 finally arrived I was so excited. I was scheduled to be induced on September 13 and was going in the night before to prep my cervix. I ran a bunch of nonsense errands trying to keep my mind occupied. Even though I was so excited to finally meet our baby I was really freaked out about labor. My parents flew in that evening. It was so awesome to have them here. For some reason I was a little too concerned about Koda being lonely ha ha. She will always be my Koda-baby I guess. It took a lot of stress away knowing my parents would be staying with her (they feed her table scraps so she was in HEAVEN).

The nurse suggested sending the hat that Raelyn wore right after birth home so Koda could check it out. I feel like it kind of backfired because she cried all night until my mom let her sleep in her room. She slept with the hat in her mouth all night.

Filling out paperwork at the hospital

The pill they gave me to prep my cervix started very mild contractions. They asked me if I wanted something to help me sleep and I 100% SHOULD have said yes. But I thought I could sleep on my own. Once hooked up to the fetal monitor it showed Raelyn's heart rate staying in the 170-180's which is a little higher than they like to see. They were guessing it was because I was dehydrated. So they hooked me up to an IV...there went any chance of me sleeping because I basically stared at her heart monitor all night.

I was excited about all my contractions but I only progressed to a 2. At 5:30 am on September 13 my nurse brought me a light breakfast and I took a bath. She told me to be ready to start the pitocin at 7:00 am. At 6:59 I walked out of the bathroom to find my doctor waiting for me to break my water. I had no idea they were going to do that. I'm kind of glad I didn't though because I definitely would have over thought it. My water breaking was very strange and contractions picked up immediately. They then started the pitocin and within minutes I had strong contractions about 40 seconds apart. It was exciting for about 5 minutes and then I wanted to know when I could get an epidural. Unfortunately the anesthesiologist was busy prepping people for morning surgeries so it was about 1.5 hours until he showed up. 30 minutes before he came my nurse had me sit at the edge of the bed all hunched over and waiting. She thought he was coming any minute so I just sat there for 30 minutes. That was the worst part because contractions were really painful and I didn't like sitting like that. I was scared of the epidural but it was seriously no big deal. It was weird but definitely a relief. I was pretty nauseous so they gave me something for that as well which knocked me out. It was the best nap I had ever taken. For the past 5 months I struggled with a pinched nerve in my thigh and back pain which made it difficult to sleep and I couldn't feel any of it! My nurse brought in "the peanut" which is the same material as an exercise ball..but it looks like a peanut. This goes between your legs while laying on your side and helps open your pelvis.

After the epidural... now its time to wait!

I guess it really works because I was progressing a lot faster than they thought I would. My nurse originally guessed that Raelyn would make her grand entrance late evening but by noon she was guessing late afternoon. I was having my good friend Summer take pictures during the birth because she is a photographer and labor/delivery nurse. How perfect is that?? I called her to tell her that the estimate for starting to push was 3:00 pm. She was coming at 2:00 pm to get set up and get some pictures before. At 1:30 pm I started getting really really nauseous with each contraction. Before the contractions were hardly noticeable with the epidural but now they were super strong and SO much pressure. I called my nurse in to ask for more nausea meds and explained my symptoms. She said that sounded like I was actually ready to push. She checked me and I was fully dilated and she could see Raelyn's head. Now I was REALLY nervous. My nurse told me they usually do practice pushes before the doctor comes but she said not to push because Raelyn was ready to pop out! Luckily Summer was in the parking lot and my doctor was in the building. We snapped a few pictures as my doctor was getting gowned-up and we were ready.

My doctor getting ready/ Anxious soon-to-be parents pc: Summer Lily Photography

 They explained pushing to me but I was so SCARED. So with the first contraction i totally faked it and didn't really push. How stupid is that? Well I finally manned up and started pushing. Aubrey recommended that I use a mirror so I can see what type of pushing worked. That just freaked me out more. Instead I gripped Bradyn's hand like we were going to arm wrestle and each time they told me to push I would basically arm wrestle him. I don't know how it worked but she just popped out.  (I had also read that using a towel to play tug-a-war works pretty well too).

My doctor was cheering me and all of sudden the pressure was gone and my stomach was empty! Such a strange feeling. Hearing her little cry and seeing that little pout was the sweetest moment of my life.

pc: Summer Lily Photography

They laid her on my chest and I could not stop crying. She was so tiny and perfect and everything I had ever wanted.

pc: Summer Lily Photography

I love my sweet little Rae-Rae and feel so blessed to finally meet her. When I think back to the pain I felt a year ago all I can feel is my heart ready to burst rather than ready to break.

pc: Summer Lily Photography

Birth Stats:

Time- 2:42

Weight- 6.16 lbs

Length- 20 inches

My sweet momma brought me Cafe Rio all the way from Utah. (They do allow that through TSA!) Cafe Rio has never tasted better! YUM!

The hospital stay flew by! I honestly don't remember a lot of it. Because the pushing stage of labor was so fast Raelyn's stomach didn't get emptied of the amniotic fluid. She puked every time she ate. Plus with trouble latching she really struggled with her weight. I definitely overreacted about this but I blame that on being sleep deprived ;) Bradyn was at school for most of the day but I loved my one-on-one time with Raelyn to bond.

Finally it was time to go home! 

Look at this nice Jaundice tan ;)

Koda loves her little sister!

We are so lucky to have such supportive parents, family, and friends. Raelyn got some extra love and cuddles  when Grandma and Grandpa Bishop got to come out for a visit as well. 

Don't Let Your Trials Define You

One year ago on July 2, 2015 we found out we were experiencing our fourth miscarriage. This one was particularly difficult because this was the first time we had been pregnant since starting our fertility treatment. We had answers and a possible solution and so, so, so much hope. You can read more about this here: http://livingthebishopfamilydream.blogspot.com/2015/07/coming-out-of-infertility-closet.html

Here we are a year later anxiously waiting for our beautiful daughter to grace us with her presence.

As I reflect back on the past year I am filled with so many emotions. I am writing this down mostly for me- because I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned and the impressions I have had. I also hope someone can benefit from my experiences as they reflect on their own trials.

We moved to Nebraska a month after we found out we lost the baby. The move was difficult. I was still healing emotionally and physically. It meant I had to switch doctors. I left my friends and family. We had a new schedule. But with it came so many tender mercies. I've found the more I've open up about our experiences, the more support and strength I have received. I have met some amazing friends here who have taught me so much and strengthened my testimony. 

Another place that I have found comfort is at the Omaha Winter Quarters temple/cemetery. There is a beautiful bronze statue called "Tragedy at Winter Quarters".

 This statue shows a pioneer husband and wife burying their child and is a tribute to the trials the pioneers faced. There is so much symbolism in the statue. From the backside of the statue there is a vine of thorns growing up from the ground and pulling on the cloak wrapped around the shoulders of husband and wife. This represents the adversary. The adversary doesn't want us to be happy. I find his power to be especially strong while going through trials. The cloak represents the Atonement and the love of God. This power gives us comfort and strength as we endure through life's ups and downs. I found many times in the last year when I would feel both the strength of the adversary pulling me down and the love and comfort of the Atonement holding me up. Sometimes the negative power of the adversary would be so strong that I would forget about the strength and love coming from my Heavenly Father- but it was always there. This is where I found I always had a choice. I could allow Satan to tear me down or I could allow the Savior to pull me up. I didn't always choose the Savior and there were many many dark days but I know I was never alone. I have found the healing begins when we choose the Savior.

In the cemetery the statue faces the temple. In the trail center the statue faces a picture of the Savior. I have found that the ONLY way to get through hardship is to have an eternal perspective and this is found through the Savior and through the blessings of the temple. I am so grateful for the knowledge of forever families and the plan of happiness. It gives me the strength to go on. This is the area where my testimony has probably grown the most. I find it easier to remember and reflect on my purpose here on this earth and what it means in my day to day life.

Another important lesson that I have learned is that these moments in my life do not define me. I can learn and grow from these experiences but I am so much more to me than the circumstances that I find myself in. In the midst of it all I felt as though I would forever be that girl who miscarried 4 times. I felt as though my life would revolve around it. Sometimes it was hard not to focus on my circumstances and feel sorry for myself. I am so grateful for those moments in my life where I allowed myself to be Whitney and not that miscarriage girl. I found a lot of pride in my job, cuddling my puppy, serving others, and in my adventures with Bradyn. If I could give one piece of advice to someone going through an all-consuming-trial, it would be to find moments in your day to be you. Some day you will look back and be grateful that you did.

12 Weeks and Counting...

I am a pregnancy test addict. This basically means that I begin testing waaaay too early and waaay too often. What are the chances I will get a positive test after a negative one an hour ago? No logic but I cant help it.

December was our second month with our new magical recipe for a healthy baby. It had only been one week and one day since ovulation aaaaaaand it was about 10:00 pm... Lets just say chances of a positive were slim. Of course with my lack of self control I peed on a test and then quickly hid it in the drawer. I didn't want Bradyn to know just how crazy I had become ;) Before I had a chance to look at the test Bradyn asked if I thought I would test in the morning. I sheepishly admitted that I had already taken a test that night but I hadn't looked at it yet. He ran and grabbed the test and brought it back into the room. With disappointment he flashed the test my way and said "negative'. But my eye caught something. Could that be a second line? I was clear across the room so it could just be my eyes. I stepped towards him for a closer look. Sure enough... a faint faint FAINT second line. Bradyn had to put on his glasses before he would believe me but sure enough... there it was! We could not contain our excitement. I honestly don't remember what happened next. I just remember a lot of jumping around and smiling and happy phone calls to our parents. At this moment we were filled with so much hope.

Hope is the only thing that dragged us through the following weeks. I was fighting to keep my anxiety under control but I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was so grateful for everyday that we made it through. I knew that with every moment I got to spend with this baby my love would grow stronger and stronger but that also meant the potential for greater heartbreak. The fear was consuming at times but we clung to the hope.


First ultrasound at 7 weeks

What was different this time around? Our last pregnancy we were on Metformin and progesterone. This time we used Femora to stimulate ovulation in hopes of a stronger, higher quality egg, progesterone supplements, Levothyroxine for my thyroid, and of course... the good 'ole Metformin.

At 10 weeks we tested for chromosomal abnormalities hoping it would give us a better idea of our chances of miscarrying. Its a simple test where they took blood from me and then they separated the fetal DNA fragments and tested from chromosomal errors. Isn't technology amazing?? The test came back low risk and also informed us of the baby's sex.

I didn't want to find out in an email. But Bradyn did and he wanted to be the first to know haha. So he found out a few days before me and put together our "gender reveal". I dreamed of this day for the last 2.5 years and it was a really big deal to me. He did an awesome job!

I was SOOOO surprised it was a girl. I thought FOR SURE it was a boy. When I tried to imagine pink balloons, it didn't even feel like a possibility. I'm so glad we found out at 12 weeks instead of the normal 20 weeks with an ultrasound. It was hard enough for me to switch gears after 12 weeks... I can't imagine if I had 8 more weeks to convince myself that it was a boy. It took me about 2 weeks before I stopped slipping with the "he's".

Cruise to the Bahamas

To kick off the new year Bradyn and I went on a cruise. Literally for the new year. It was very short but we needed a break from life. And let's be real... What could be better then spending the new year hangin out in the Bahamas!! The cruise was two days. One day to the Bahamas, one day at the Bahamas, and by the next morning  we were back in Florida. I wish it was 12 days longer but man we packed in a lot of fun and a lot of relaxing in just 2 days!

On the cruise ship waiting to launch

While in the Bahamas we went kyaking and snorkeling

We got to hold and upside down jelly fish. So weird looking!

We learned a lot like... When they say to be back to the boat at 5... They mean be back at 5. Not 5:30. (Let's just say it was a close call. I was freaking out as our taxi pulled up and they were pulling in the bridge lol). We also learned that it takes forever to get off a cruise ship and go through customs so if you have a plane to catch *cough cough* then you better be the first person in line to get off!

The first day we got to Florida at 3 am. We were 2 hours away from the port so were were going to have to start driving at 8:00 am. We are tightwas and couldn't justify spending money on a hotel when we had a perfectly good rental car lol... so we slept in the trunk of our car 

This sounds stupid and probably boarderline homeless but it honestly was one of the funniest parts of our trip. We got NO SLEEP needless to say ha ha but I would wake up and just start laughing because it was so ridiculous.  I'm grateful for a husband that will go on totally ridiculous adventures with me and laugh the whole way. 

Can't wait for our next adventure... I wonder what we will cross off next on the bucket list??

Sleeping in a car✔️

Whitney's first cruise✔️

Holding an upside down jelly fish✔️

Would-a-been-should-a-been

Today is our June baby's due date. It's been bitter sweet as I reflect on the last 7 months. Lots of regret and wishful thinking but a lot of gratitude too. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Everyday- But we have been blessed beyond measure every step that has lead us to where we are today.

My baby sister wrote a poem for me for one of her high school assignments. She is very talented and it really meant a lot to me for her to express my feelings and experiences so thoughtfully!

When she sent me the "rough draft" I was shocked at how perfectly she captured my grief. It made me realize maybe I talk about my experiences a little too much ;) I know that for people who haven't experienced something like this knowing what to say, or I guess NOT knowing what to say, can be awkward and scary...but let's remember the silence is much worse! 

I've loved the recent movements in social media about speaking up about infertility and loss. It's scary to talk about something so vulnerable but it should never be shameful! 

I would like to dedicate this poem to all my friends and loved ones going through/ who have been through something similar! You know who you are! Xoxoxo

(This is a slam poem p.s.)

Two years ago I would have told you that the worst pain you can feel is wanting something so, so badly and not being able to have it. But after months and months of naivete, I found out I was wrong. And that realization came in the form of life kicking me in the stomach, and then continuing to kick me in the stomach while I was down. You see, the worst pain you can feel is losing something you loved long before it was even a thought--over, and over, and over again. The worst pain is the fear and the guilt that comes after the heartbreak--the feeling that maybe, just maybe, there’s something you could have done. And these people that don’t have anything close to resembling a medical degree all prescribed to me time. They told me time would heal both my body and my soul, but all I found myself doing was adding up the days and thinking about how old each of them would be now. And as my loneliness became more palpable, so did the awkward glances and uncomfortable silences that held much more meaning than any one of the apologies that you weren’t sure you should give. Because you thought that my pain would somehow be lessened if we all just ignored the elephant in the room, but to me it wasn’t some awkward topic that should be avoided by all parties involved at all costs; it was my kid. To you it was just a poppy seed, then a blueberry, then a peach, but to me it was my kid. And if you had met him, you never would have asked me to come to the party on the night I had to say goodbye to him. You didn’t understand when I grieved over something so small, because you never held him. But I did. I carried him. Not in my arms, not in a baby sling, but I carried him. And you--you had the audacity to tell me that me and my husband and my dog aren’t actually a real family, but you don’t know. You don’t know that my husband and I bought that dog to help me deal with my depression and anxiety--both of which have stayed with me longer than any one of my children. You don’t know what it’s like to put all of your hope into a single faint, pink line. You don’t know that I could have a family of six right now if only life had treated me a little differently.

Love, C