Coming out of the Infertility Closet

Making a baby has not been what I thought it was going to be. When I reflect back on when Bradyn and I first started talking about trying to get pregnant, I can’t help but laugh at how naive we were. I was still in dental hygiene school and the idea of getting pregnant really scared me because I didn’t want it to interfere with my last semester of schooling and all my boards.  Nevertheless we felt strongly that it was time so off birth control we went. That first month of trying (19 stinkin months ago) I could have sworn I was pregnant. Not because I had any symptoms but because why wouldn’t I be? We had done everything right. Well… I wasn’t pregnant but we figured timing was off and gave it another optimistic shot. Still… another negative pregnancy test, and another, and another, and another. 

Then finally June 2014 we were pregnant but we lost that pregnancy just a few days later. I’m embarrassed to admit this next part but I of course did some research online to see what could have caused such an early loss. I stumbled across a blog that discussed “chemical pregnancies”. The author said that when a woman wants to be pregnant so bad her body creates pregnancy symptoms and the actual “chemicals” to fool your body into thinking you are pregnant. Basically… you make it up. I was so horrified and felt like a straight up crazy person. We decided to taper it back a notch and just try to let nature take its course. *Side note…for those of you who don’t know what a chemical pregnancy is… it is NOT something you make up in your mind. It is a true pregnancy but it ends before anything can be seen on an ultrasound so usually between 4-5 weeks.*  

My next chemical pregnancy was about 5 months later, November 2014. I remember getting this positive pregnancy test. I had stared at so many home pregnancy tests at this point, just hoping a line would appear. Bradyn and I would laugh that if I stared any longer my eyes would bleed. But on this day a line did appear and I about. Peed. My. Pants.  I ran out and showed Bradyn the line. It was SOOOO faint but it was there so I was happy. He on the other hand was very cautious after our previous experience. But not me. This was the one. I just new it. I remember that horrible, horrible morning waking up at 3 am with cramps just to find I had started to bleed. We happened to be at my parents house and after crying to Bradyn I ran upstairs and crawled into bed with my parents, just hoping they could say something to make this all go away.  

My doctor was optimistic with a “third times a charm” attitude so after a few months I got that next very faint positive test, February 2015. By now I was hard core tracking my cycle with OPK’s, apps, taking my temperature every morning, and a million other things. So when my temperature started to drop I knew what was coming. I was devastated. I had given up on my current doctor’s ability to help me but still hadn’t found another one so I was left with no answers and no one to go to. This was the worst feeling as I felt like there was nothing I could but wait for the bleeding. My doctor expressed his condolences but said he would not test me for anything until after my fourth miscarriage.  Fourth??? Seriously? I was so frustrated. I wanted a doctor who believed in my case. Who would PREVENT a fourth miscarriage. 

Doctor Shawn Gurtcheff at the Utah Fertility Center was an answer to my prayers. Even from our first meeting I knew she could help us. She was so sympathetic and I could tell that each patient was personal mission for hers and there was no “third times a charm” or “maybe after the fourth” mentality.  We started testing at that first appointment.  Up to this point I had absolutely no clues that infertility would be something we would have to deal with. I have had perfect cycles since I was 13 years old. Like textbook cycles. 28 days. And clearly I was ovulating on my own. But my doctor searched for everything. I think they took at least 12 vials of blood. EVERY test came back normal but one. I had a high A1C score… 5.8% I believe… (A1C score measures what percentage of the hemoglobin in the red blood cells are coated in sugar. Normal is around 4.5, pre diabetic is 5.7% and diabetes is usually diagnosed at 6.5.) I was pretty surprised by the diagnosis because I have always tried to eat healthy and exercise… How could this be the problem? Genetics is the answer… dang it. 

Even though I was relieved to have some sort of clue as to what was causing these losses I was devastated. She told me because of how high my score was I would most likely develop type II diabetes in my thirties. Great. This is not the best news and although it’s scary, right now I am focused on how this plays into my fertility and what I can do to help the situation. The insulin resistance (and later the cysts found on my ovaries) lead to the diagnoses of PCOS or Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome which is actually pretty common. It is manifest in everyone differently and for me it is causing a progesterone imbalance (and who knows what else) hence the early miscarriages. My doctor put me on metformin to combat the insulin resistance… which by the way has destroyed my stomach I think haha. Along with the metformin Dr. Gurtcheff prescribed a progesterone supplement to be taken after I ovulated. 

After being on the meds for a full cycle we were pregnant!! I have this terrible habit of testing way early in the month… like 6 days after ovulation. While some women I’m sure can get results this early, it’s not very likely. I usually would get a positive on 13-14 days after ovulation. To help with my anxiety I gave my pregnancy tests to one of my friends who lived above me with strict instructions not to give them to me until the 12th night after I ovulated. I begged but she stayed strong and kept her end of the deal (Thanks Shawna). So on day 12 I ran up to grab the tests. I had every intention of testing the following morning but the tests were just staring at me. I had just drank a ton of water about an hour before and I knew it was unlikely I would get a positive but heck, I like to torture myself, so I tested. In almost an INSTANT there was a positive line and it was SOOOOO dark. I could not believe my eyes. I told Bradyn and for the first time he was just as ecstatic as I was. We decided to tell our immediate families that day because we needed all the support and prayers we could get for this little bean to be a sticky one.  

We had literally gotten a puppy the week before to help me with my anxiety and depression.  (oops bad timing but we love her). I mean look at this cute face.

 We tied a cute ribbon and tag that said “I’m going to be a big sister”. 

Our families (who knew by now our rap sheet) were so excited and supportive of our announcement. The next two weeks were filled with lots of blood tests to monitor my hormones. Every test came back perfect. Our first ultrasound rolled around at 6.5 weeks. I was so scared that there would be nothing in there. I cried all the way to my appointment dreading what they would find (ask Bradyn it’s true). But the ultrasound showed a cute little white blob with a beating heart of 108 bpm (right in the normal range). I was on cloud 9. I could finally relax and just be excited. 

The next day I felt different and by the evening I had that all too familiar feeling. I went to the ER and what they found was bleeding in my uterus and a struggling heartbeat of 70 bpm, for unknown reasons. I was basically told to go home, rest, and pray for a miracle. I believe in miracles so I did exactly that. The next day I called Dr. Gurtcheff and she had me come right in to confirm what the ER doctor said. I was 100% optimistic going into that appointment because I just new I would get my miracle. After doing the ultrasound Dr. Gurtcheff told me the heartbeat was so slow, it couldn’t even be picked up on the machine. She told me a loss was almost inevitable and that I should prepare myself. She gave me the options of dealing with a miscarriage at that stage which included surgical removal (D&C), medical induced miscarriage (Basically the day after pill), or just wait for nature. I could barely process the information let alone make a decision like this. All I could think about was how I got one day. I got one stinkin day on cloud 9 (but I really loved that one day). 

This next week was the hardest week of this whole journey. We were praying our guts out and I know our family and friends were as well. 3 days later we confirmed no heartbeat. I chose to try to do it naturally but after a week of nothing I opted to medically induce it. That was… not fun. But not as bad as I had anticipated, thanks to Norco. Without getting too graphic, it was overall pretty uneventful process besides a 1:00 am episode of contractions before the Norco kicked in. I am grateful for my mom and my husband and the poor on call nurse who got me through those long couple of hours. And now we just wait for my HCG hormones to drop back down to 0.

Why share this now?

Well I actually do have a few reasons for sharing this personal experience… first I’m an extrovert and as part of the healing process I do better when people know and I’m not worried about people making assumptions. It sound silly but it has really stressed me out for the last year and a half.  Infertility is kind of this secret, shameful thing that no one talks about… but as I have started to come out of the “infertility closet” I have been surrounded by so much support from individuals in my life who I had no idea are/have struggled with the exact same thing. This has helped me so much and I have learned a lot from these individuals. I hope to expand that support as we move to this next chapter of our journey. I want to raise awareness and help erase the stigma that miscarrying is “embarrassing” or “not a real loss”. Its hard to grieve while putting on a brave face so “people don’t find out”.

I can’t say I’m grateful for this trial but I can say I am a different person than I was 18 months ago; a different person than I was 2 weeks ago. But that’s the point, right? 

I have learned so much. I think I could go on for 10 years about what I have learned. But the biggest is that I know The Atonement of our Savior covers so much more than the wounds created by sin. I have felt my Saviors love and comfort and confirmation of His plan for me over and over again and I am so grateful for that.

Trials, self inflicted or not, are not fun. I am grateful for my testimony of the restored gospel and the eternal perspective that it gives me. My mom once told me a quote she heard...  between the two of us I'm sure I butchered it but it goes something like this: "When one door closes the Lord will open another window, but it's walking down the hallway that's the hardest". This has been so true for me. I know there is a window coming up somewhere but this knowledge doesn't necessarily make it any less painful. Instead, I think it strengthens me so that I can endure this.

As for going forward... we are moving to Nebraska which unfortunately means Dr. Gurtcheff can no longer help us. She has been so kind though and has helped us find a new doctor in Nebraska. She has already been in correspondence with this doctor with a new treatment plan in place for when we get there. I could not be more grateful for her. I would recommend her to every single person I know. Even though she couldn’t help us actually carry a baby to full term she gave me the time of day that no other doctor would and was willing to dig deep, past all the obvious symptoms.